Halong Bay! Good God Lemon!!!

Halong Bay, Halong Bay

Well I woke up with 30 mins to my bus leaving to go to the harbour which was a 4 hour drive to Halong for a lovely 2 day cruise, I ordered the biggest breakfast and basically stuffed whatever I could in-between two slices of toast to make a sandwich to stink the bus out with.

By this point I don’t care, I washed several times and even smell the Tequilla on me, believe me Tequilla doesn’t make you happy, as that stupid novelty sing from the 90s remarked!

The bus up there was sweaty, grim and thankfully I wasn’t the only person hungover to the point that they wish to jump in the sea just to wake themselves up, our tour guide was Vietnam’s answer to Charles Hawtrey. The awkward camp jokes were coming thick and fast but with me being the only fully English speaking person on the bus it seemed like a waste, I laughed when he forgot part of his script!

We arrive at halong bay, I forgot to mention its basically it’s a couple retreat and a few stragglers, I’m obviously one of the solo ones, when we get on the boat, we had to pick partners to sleep with. just like in primary school when picking football teams I came last but unlike primary school, I’m grateful no one wants me as I find out I actually have a room to myself, and push the two beds together to make a double bed (aka fort in the making)


Oh this trip are possibly the best looking Russian men and women I have ever seen however they rarely spoke to anyone else in the boat group and I’m pretty sure my paranoia was kicking in as I swear they were staring at me (or I was hoping they were). I did want to call one of the girls, “Skankovich” ,as she pretty much was in a tank top and shorts so small, you could lip read.

At the welcome drinks / lunch I fear for everyone on the table as CHICKEN WINGS are served, I actually prised a wing off someone’s plate “in error” as I was so hungry and missing Wings! It was a dead heat between me and one of the sexy Russian bears for “human garbage bin award”, as nice as he was I was hungry enough to mark my ground when it comes to poultry dishes.

Our first stop was the Halong Dragon caves which were ”interesting”, we basically walked around a cave with loud Americans saying “oh my GOD, this is HUGE but not a huge as <insert superior sounding stadium name> Mel, take a picture!" Also people were slipping all over the place from the water in the cave, and the guides not really advising people to watch out but secretly sniggering to themselves!

Next stop was the kayaking trip, where we went  around the islands and feared for our lives as we dodged cruise liners and speed boats! Again primary school picking, I have to kayak by myself, but after looking at the girls and some guys trying to operate the boat and paddles it looks like I had the better deal again. the instructor even said I looked like a natural, (why thank you, Long Man Hee Suk or whatever your name is, SATIRE people, I'm not a racist!)

Now, here comes the interesting part, myself and 5 of the other guests sat on the boat after the evening meal and cornered ourselves from the Russians. However as weird as it sounds, the Russian guys invited each person over individually and gave us a shot of Vodka which they bought with them! After several hours of drinking and eliminating each guest, it was me and the 3 Rush Hunks left, where they quizzed me on my sexual preference and even asked me for English lessons (poor fools), I now have 2 hunks on my Skype whoop whoop! To make things even better I even managed to drink as much as they did and they had to call it quits at 3:30am....... WIMPS!!!

The Morning after was pretty much as wash out, I was almost sick on my bed fort, even skipped one of the beaches to lie down and watch futurama, while holding in my mix of chicken wings, fried eggs and vodka.

Overall I would say book this trip, especially if you are a 30 rock fan as you can go on the Lemon Cruise hehe!

There are other cruises but its basically party time as soon as you leave the hostel for 4 days, one girl told me that there was a bottle of JD on the table for Breakfast! Uh, hello, my liver needs a rest and I look 50, remove the JD and bring me bacon!

Top Tips

If you are vegetarian options don’t bother, you’ll basically get the same food as everyone else but with the meat removed, so chips and salad covered in lemon and meat juice for 2 days.

Lemon Cruises can be found here or at your hostel/travel agency - (http://www.bestpricevn.com/halongbaycruises/?gclid=CICj26i3kb0CFUchpQod308AzA)

Just general info on Halong Bay as well - (www.halongbay.info/)

Halong Bay