Topic - Matin', Dating' & Fakin'

30. Jul, 2014
31. Dec, 2013

Hello and thank you for joining, previously in my life.....

Sorry went all Miranda there anyway this is the next section hopefully it's going to be a little bit more light-hearted but perverse as ever, yes that's right dating and making friends!


I thought I'd bring this up as it’s typical but fun topic for anyone really, it's hard making friends (if you’re me or Javine Hylton) in any new environment and a new country is even more daunting, however I have some cheery news (if dressed in all red with a green hat you can say cherry news) for once, it's actually easy and refreshing.

Well from my experience it's been easy mainly as I have had contacts arranged here by UK/OZ travellers but I've met people through other means, particularly dating. At one point I thought it might be good to try different personas and play roles but thought it was too much effort and I'm not one of the SNL crew, so was just myself and somehow it worked, the suicide rate has increased in the city but think that's just a coincidence.

Since this is such a huge topic I'm going to break it down for ease of the reader, plus I've just finished work, tired and pretty sure this iPad I'm using will lose all sensitivity soon


So let's start with the easiest one - F.R.I.E.N.D.S (Go on, sing the theme tune and clap in time my little seal)

Basically you can make really good ones if you obviously go out and leave the judgemental, pessimistic and reserved ways of Britain (Londoners especially) behind, overall Australians are friendly, hospitable and relaxed people. Also the people of Sydney aren't quite the heavy drinkers we portray them to be, I actually got a comment on me drinking at 3pm but this may be the fact I was in an area with loads of health freaks, so the fun vacuum was activated. The rest of the country I'm yet to experience but judging from what other travellers have told me I'll be needing George Best's doctor on standby. I've also joined a few groups on fb which I was reluctant to do in the UK mainly because I was too lazy to search, has nothing to do with change of country.

Plus in this particular city you get a wide range of activities, bars, restaurants, beaches, walks etc. to go meet up with people and make more connections, I met several people that have taken me under their wing and in their home just out of sheer kindness, try that in the UK or better yet Switzerland and you're on the ten o clock news!


I'll say thank you now to anyone that's I've met along the way you've made this country very welcoming and you're in my phone, on my Facebook and in my life and you can't escape.... Again another report on rising suicide rate and mental conditions, strange, oh well!

My social life here is even more varied and active then before if that's even possible however this all comes at a heavy cost, by the time you've had brunch, walk, coffee, cocktails, market shopping, more cocktails, snack and any random activity you've already spent $150-200 That's £80-115 for an afternoon I would faint if I did that in London

Be warned if your butt and sofa are having a long passionate affair together expect them to go on hiatus, you WILL be social if you have an extrovert personality and any type of energy. Since the sun is out more here than most countries, you do whatever you can to stay awake and not sweat your life away. Plus Your health and wellbeing does get a boost, I find that when you can walk most places as the main city isn't that big, so hello calves and butt muscles, this leads to the dating section...


Dating & Faking 

Right here we are, the section that most of you have been waiting, don't worry it's all going to be above belly button stuff, so no Jackie Collins-esque tales of human didgeridoos & “Backpacking” but will go a bit Sex and the Sydney for this section! 

Here comes the confession part, being British, black, a 7/10 and all round nutcase where "no" is not in your vocabulary has its advantages, even to the point where I have to admit I've used my "exotic looks" for evil. That's right I've deceived, flirted, begged and bargained with dates so I didn't have to pick up the cheque, mainly cos I had no money and as a friend said to me "a girl's gotta eat". I've become the one thing I hate the most, a steak eating, money swallowing foxy moron succubus! However it was either that or I’d have to set up a charity scheme and have Davina McCall host it saying “Oh, this poor adult……”

With that said there’s another upside to all this smoke and mirror dating scam, I got to see a lot of Sydney in a short space of time, I got fed and I met some amazing people alongside some NOT so amazing people. Although after reading this back to myself I’m in the NOT category myself now…NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!

I was going to go into detail about what type of dates I’ve been on but it’s a) bad taste (like you care) and b) Karma will come and kick me in the nuts! All I can say is if you’re trying to look for “the one” and need someone with depth, worldly knowledge and they can keep their eyes on you, AVOID central Sydney if you’re a gay man! However if you’re looking for a hunk that has a decent job, cool sunglasses and pecs that are prettier than his face plus you need that 2nd year visa guaranteed, then come on down…..

So far here’s been the some of the tragedy, what I like to call dates (everyone calls it dates!):

1)    Guy that took me to a Brazilian all you can eat BBQ buffet, he was tall, smarmy and cheesy and kept trying to match me on fun commentary but MEH! Found out he was only taking me out so he could get “dessert” afterwards and had no intention of messaging me again, so stuffed my face and said I’d be no good tonight, check mate! BURP!

2)    Guy that kept calling me Martin, however he did take me to a fancy cocktail place so all is forgiven “another long island iced tea, tosser, oh sorry I meant tosser, please”

3)    Guy I met up with several times and was really great until I found out he was with someone already for a YEAR!

4)    Guy who was on Grindr WHILE on a date with me, yes windows are not your friend if you want to be discreet

5)    Guy who only went out with me because I’m black, nothing to do with my charm, wit or love for x-men comics

6)    Guy who turned up 1 hour late and didn’t apologise or offer to buy me a drink AND he bought his “mate” with him and they went to the bar…. (that was an instant walk out situation)

And these are just the ones I can write here as I know there are sensitive people and family reading this :)

Back to the sunny upside I’ve met quite a lot of nice genuine people that I’ve got on with stayed in contact and have been good enough to show me around, take me in and even hear me blast the previous dates. So thank you, you know who you are J


Anyway I’m gonna briefly go back to my former format and give some hints and tips


1)  Some men here are somewhat (incredibly) shallow but VERY good looking, replicate by wearing something to shows skin or your best muscles (hello jockstrap)

2)    Living Social and Groupon are your saviours, if your date turns up his nose at this money saving miracle, he’s clearly not the one, so eat the 2 x burgers, 2 x fries and 2 x cocktails that you got for $30 to yourself

3)    Go to Messina, if his eye is wandering or you need something to laugh about when he gets salted caramel down his designer shirt head to this place.

4)    Avoid Beach dates, there is a high chance there’s an muscled extra from 300 hanging around and all confidence is starting to fade but head to point 3 to cheer yourself up

5)    If you’re like me and you’ve written a dissertation for a profile, prepare yourself to have questions about it and also prepare to question them about theirs and why it’s blank and why “single” was not selected (that’s a dealbreaker ladies!)

6)    Grindr people are for one night only

7)    Scruff people are for the rest of the time

8)    All other apps and websites, basically have the same people just rehashed pics and profile statements

9)    Go for dates in the CBD, there’s hardly anyone around after 8pm as people head to the gym/ beach/ home/ Messina as soon as work finishes

10)  If gay turn straight, the ladies are much nicer! Or better yet turn Asexual and save yourself some cash, maybe go back to point 3 again

11) Oxford Street is not the bee’s knees, its barely a little toe compared to Soho, London, so venture out, Redfern, Kings X, Glebe, Newtown, Bondi Junction, CBD all good a covered in drunken travellers

12)  If you’re a Brit, put on your most common or poshest voice and see the reaction, you’ll thank me later!

13) Men with small fluffy, girly, attention seeking dogs – be warned


Anyway that is the end of that topic; I really won’t go into anything else here in case I turn this into the intro page for a porno site. Have no idea why I started to become more honest but it seems to put a smile on your lot's faces and disgust on my parent's!!


Next topic – music and entertainment….