Just in case I forgot which country I was in!!

Torono'ed

this is called "Quiet Time"

Now before you call the spelling and grammar police, there's a reason behind this, people
in Canada seem to call Toronto, "Torono"! Actually I think as long as you miss a letter out
of name, you're fine to say it whatever way you want, it's a Canadian law!


Previously in this blog, I left you in NYC and after a shaky start I finally make my way to
Toronto and ironically after years of saying I would never use them again I get......
MEGABUS!
No matter where you are in the world, there will be a Megabus, followed by a
group of disgruntled, achey and bewildered passengers. I know it's cheap, but why do I do
it to myself?! (psst Marv, it's money for cocktail hour)


As Tanya from the Lenny Henry show would say.. "I.DONT.THINK.SO!"


I swear our driver had pms and a roast in the oven at the same time, we were proper
whizzing down those bus lanes, it's wouldn't seem that bad but the driver was male, how
he has pms, I don't know?! At one point at 1:30am, I repeat that 1:30am, the demon bus
wanker decided to go full throttle over a speed bump, making me literally and figuratively
jump out of my sleep, Even Michael Jordan has never jumped that high!


Anyhoo....... TORONO, here I am! Now, how to describe Torono, well it's diet NYC, with
elements of Seattle and Vancouver, it's big, sophisticated and Canadian. The coach stop is
right in the centre and quite handy for getting around town, especially the super trams
which is $2 & Tube $3 a go, but to be honest the city centre is nicely compacted, so you can walk most places.


So recipe for a good hostel


Heaps of Luxury bedding + 4 tablespoons of stylish common areas + a dash of charm + 2
cups of good looking cheeky staff - rinse any attitude = great hostel


And you definitely have it here at Clarence hostel (www.theclarencepark.com), probably one of the top "hostels pretending to be a hotel" places in Canada.
The main reception guy, was kind of like the love child of David Duchvony & Richard Gere
(circa 1980s) minus the sleaze and monotone. I'm not sure what to say, but he started
singing "you're so beautiful" & "he was a friend of mine" and held my hand, obviously I react,
cue shameless flirting, girly giggle and badly timed fart.


On that note, it's official Canadians may actually be the one of the coolest and sexiest
people around, so laid back that you want to lie them, on their back.....sorry smother!
I have to say I'm right near the financial district, and as the Australian ladies remark "let's
go the the dry cleaners, we're gonna pick up a suit." I wouldn't get any work down in this
city. Sorry this is all sexually charged, someone get the hose, oh no is that another
innuendo?!

So there's quite a bit to do in Toronto, however I'm nearing the end of my journey, so it's
not going to be a thrill seeker's paradise reading the next few pages as I treated like an
actual chill out holiday.
You can however look up The main things in Toronto to do are:
shop in eaton place (http://www.thebay.com)
go up the CN tower (http://www.cntower.ca/intro.html)
See the aquarium (https://www.ripleyaquariums.com/canada/)
Visit Torono zoo (http://www.torontozoo.com)
See the blue jays during the summer (http://toronto.bluejays.mlb.com/index.jsp?c_id=tor) or the in the winter The Maple Leafs (http://mapleleafs.nhl.com/)
Get a Ferry to Torono islands (Insert web)
Or head to Niagara falls, I would say either get greyhound or get a group of mates and hire
a mini van as the official tour is $76 while the others will cost you $30-50 for a return. And
as a bonus less chance of kids that you want to throw to the falls and reinact Superman II.


Since I'm spending my money on maple syrup and Winter Olympic merchandise, I've only
really done the galleries,Royal Ontario Musuem, jazz bars and just taking in the sights. Sorry readers things havebeen a bit tame, it's either drunken stupidity or my health and a red and white cap for Smother! For those who said "get drinking, never mind your smother, momma's boy" be warned my mother is like Jean Grey, she will hear you telepathically and tear you apart ifb that cap is not in her possession! ( .....help me!)


My third day in Torono (I still refuse to use the T ), involves me doing a last minute morning
shop (thanks YAK) and going to Niagara Falls, so hello greyhound (not megabus FFS) for
the 5th time this trip.know what? If you type in Megabus into a iPad or apple device, the
recommended autocorrect word is actually megabits, hehe! Cheeky!
Well, 2 hours late and here I am, niagara falls, and what a mixed beauty it is.
You're probably wondering why I've used the word "mixed", well the waterfall/river itself is
just a natural marvel, strong yet quiet, colourful and peaceful and then there's the
Canadian answer to Blackpool tacked onto it. It's bizarre you have this beautiful setting
and then you have this, tacky commercial town eclipsing it.


This is has turned into a seaside town, there's loads of gondola rides, boat rides, guided
walks, helicopter rides and a long walk way so you can enjoy the view, if you have time try
and do the NY and Toronto side if you can as you get great photo opps that way.
I did actually avoid falling in, but I can see the funny yet racist headline now

"N**** falls in Niagara Falls"


Now for tacky town, there's a dinosaur mini golf game that looks like something out of the
Simpsons, heaps of overpriced restaurants, well decorated gardens, big wheel, fairground
rides and haunted houses. However this may be the best part the wax museum, they had
3 examples outside:


Katy Perry but looked like Shelley Duvall from the shining in a whipped cream version of
the wonder woman costume
Johnny Depp as Captain Jack but somehow looked more like a drag act
Jennifer Lawrence as Katiness but looked more like a pissed off Michelle Rodriguez/ Lara
Croft Hybrid with arrows, no bow!

I couldn't get photos of them as there were too many goons in the way with their kids
(sarcastic yay to summer holidays).


I need to mention one thing that I have to celebrate US and Canada for ..... the pushy OTT
mom.

Good god every other woman in a group of people was ordering around a man with
a very oversized phallic shaped camera (compensation anyone?!) and the wives shouting
things like "honey, no you're not using it right" or "no, she needs to stop having candy or
she won't sleep" or "WE'RE BEHIND SCHEDULE JOE, MOVE IT" if there's any way of
advertising condoms or sterilisation, it's to show these women and kids in action! Dance
Moms watch out!


So after this wet and wacky day, it's going to be chill out time before my flight home, YES
I'm coming home, so I'll say thank you for following this blog and thanks for any likes or
comments. Hopefully you found this entertaining, informative and as melodramatic as the
writer.


I'm currently at a friend's family home and if you ever go travelling, make friends with
anyone who is your last stop (if the host family are reading this, I'm joking, you're cool as
f***, I know, no swearing in the house!)


I will be keeping this site open for possibly another year' but updates occasionally, besides
there might be a possible future travelling opportunities soon :)

Thanks for Reading

Niagara Falls, here's me thinking it was in Africa?!?!

Time Square & Piccadilly Circus's love child aka Torono!