Geyser -Te Puia (instagram maloweuk)

Kiwi Exp - Week 1 (THE NORTH ISLAND)

Kiwi Experience

Hello Bloggers, Smother and politically incorrect, horny, people stumbling on this website
thinking it would be porn, when they typed in "brown bear"

Song dedications to this trip - Destinys Child - "Get on the Bus" or Limp Bizkit "Keep Rollin'"

I'm gonna say now, that these next few entries will be rushed and slightly erratic (more spelling and grammar mistakes woo hoo) as I'm on one of those "everybody get on; we'll be on a coach for 5 hours, do a 2/3 hour activity, get on the bus again for 3 hours with photo stops, drink, chat, glimpse at a town for 4 hours, sleep, rinse and repeat" tours. That privacy thing I wanted......ummmmm, that's not gonna happen for the next 3/4 weeks!

We started off in Auckland and lets just say the very tall , Maori, rugby driver dude (who
looks like Wolf from Gladiators but younger, tanned and with a less 90s pantomime menacing
look) whose heading the tour, was going to be the other entertainment on the bus.
Somehow on this trip I ended being the coach clown/teacher. I've already taken upon
myself to help people claim lost items with loud announcements, provide constant one
liners like chandler on heat and playing the OTT fool!

Ah Jamfool man, anyone remember that from "The Real McCoy"?! 

The driver has a knack for telling us Information in random sprouts but forgetting some of
Information or turning it into an innuendo, here's the pearls of "wisdom" so far:

"ok we are here at, uh..... Cathedral Cove, you have 3 places to hike to, Cathedral Cove,
Stingray Bay and uh .......1 minute silence/tumbleweed...... And the other one"
"right I counted 41 people before we set off and we now have 44"
"we had 5 shovels for the hot water beach trip And now we have 6, uh, cool"
"just been told there's a girl in the bathroom finishing herself off, so need to wait for her"
everyone promptly turns to me waiting for a joke, I rise to the challenge "I think she has
Adam's electric toothbrush with her" challenge completed, grossed out faces and laughs follow, I thank you :)
"does anybody know the two German guys?? ......well got a call, we forgot them, we're
heading back" (they would make the 44 total after day 3 lol)
"Bum doctor"

"We have a big black sack here" and someone saying the rhymes to Gold Digga using the N-Bomb caused a few racial charged laughs, so much our driver (MAR) had to pullover to breath!

So week 1 so far we have headed to Hot Water Beach (25.04) and I think this was the
point I fell for NZ.

If someone said to me a year ago you'll be in NZ, on a hot water beach
digging a hole in pitch black, half naked and giggling to someone burning their ass, while
looking at a clear constellation filled sky engrossing in my astronomy fascination, I would
have said "FUCK OFF". I am loving this trip :)

27.04 -Next we head to Waitomo (or pronounced, white homo, error on my part there), home of cultural stuff and Black Water rafting, due to "budget issues" I had to do the simplest tour which was ironically the funniest party!

We did the glow-worm and ruaraki cave tour, so lots of cave spooks, darkness and dripping water. Myself, an outrageous American and a naive indian RGN, turned it into a simple family trip into a photo bombing, phallic posing, innuendo lol-a-caust! Right now there is a NZ mother explaining why we laughed to her explaining what 6 inches really means and why the words maggot and faggot are not to be confused to her 11 y/o boy.

Everyone else did the adventurous black water rafting, which was basically people in black
wet suits in rubber rings venturing through cold water, abseiling enclosed spaces, climbing
more wet rocks and screaming! I'm not gonna say it sounds like more fun than ruining a
simple family outing.....

Wimpy and stupidly funny tour of caves $39 to $69
Black Water Rafting (floating in the dark and cold) $125-$155
( however you get cheaper rates on the tour bus.

So far, all the hostels have been amazing (and annoyingly expensive), Hot Water Beach
Top 10 ( and Waitomo Kiwi Paka ( All with wood cabins,
lovely kitchens and facilities and no wifi, so its been very peaceful! And fun filled.

28.04 we indulge in a trivial pursuit team game on my iPad, It quickly turns sinister when a
question about Italian emperors is called out and another team gets a question about most
Pixar and dream works film for all their turns.......FIGHT! (insert Homer Simpson, light
switch gif)
Needing to rotorua now, White water rafting, lugging, zorbing madness to follow after a
stopover to see Hobbiton, LoTR film set, let's just say $95 is a bit excessive for a tour to
see a film set, mountains (which are everywhere in NZ) and a pint of ale, SKIP!

Uh oops, I forgot To take my name off the Hobbiton tour, never before has the words "is it
too late to pull out??" caused so much trouble since Dwight Yorke met Jordan!

Sorry bloggers I forgot to mention who was on my tour bus, I know you're dying to find out:
( stop rolling your eyes)

Original Crew
Myself -coach clown/teacher/reluctant team leader
11 x Heidi Klum/ Steffi Graf - German/ Dutch clones
Mega Hot German bird (Claudia) - even I gawp at her!
2 x Devon DareDevils
Prince Harry
White Lenny Henry
PETE ( said in the most manly voice)
Macaulay Culkin
Adam F & Dr Naive (glowfaggot buddies)
Two Birds of Feather (Sharon and Tracy mini sexy counterparts) although I call one Doreen!
George Clooney's younger brother
4 x Freaky Deeky Dutch ladies

2 x random people

Cidar Boobs & Giggler!

A model looking Swedish couple
The lost (German) Boys (x2)
2 x Dane Dudes
Dutch Crazy
Miss Manchester 2012
Chicken Priya Priya
The Canadian Kids nicknamed O&J- which is catching quick.
Irish Cornwall (a guy from Ireland who sounds like he's from Cornwall)

Lady Tall and Posh aka Skinny Miranda Hart / Pippy Longstocking /Brave/Ginger Star
YankDaPom or American Rugby 
The Wanted Rejects

Now before I get complaints about the total of people coming to 48 this was at the start,
the bus driver (Kiwi Wolf) doesn't count, we lost the German boys on day 3 and 2 randoms 
on day 1 which the driver forgot as well! It's like a slasher film, who will go next? Technically the black guy and the slut are to go, so I have double the risk......

Fun Fact - Rotorua (means Second Lake too) is known as Sulphur City or Rotten Rua as its on geothermal activity from lakes and vents near by, so nice little stink! Home of one of the
largest lakes in the northern island, boat tours at sunset for $40! Oh I'm smelling the

The southern alps are caused by the tectonic plates, and north island gets the volcanoes
due to the plates as well...... Believe this is the smartest thing I was told and the smartest thing I'll remember after this day. 

Anyway after the Hobbiton mess up I ended up down doing Skyline Gondola and Luge
racing, it's downhill mario kart minus green shells and talking mushrooms. I did notice a
few hairy apes and screaming princesses but that's just me being rude. Do it, it's so much
fun for $23-$55 depending on how many times you want to Luge. There's Shaky chairlifts
But there are fantastic views of the city at the top are phenomenal

After all the MK64 fun, There is an option to do a Tamaki Maori Village dinner experience
where you eat till your heart is content and have an interactive cultural experience for $88.
Ummm I missed this due to some financial issues, my money came after the dinner, oops!

29.04 - After another Base Hostel stay in Lake Taupo, the Kiwi Goof Troop, head off from Rotorua and then make our way to the sexual frustration of the Earth, a Geyser Park called Te Puia!

Such a beautiful and cultural experiences, for $30-69 (he he 69) you can see handmade wooden huts being made, mud pools, scenic rivers and erupting geysers! We had a guide who told us that only was for schools, the guide clearly knew who he was dealing.
We were given eggs that were boiled in the hot water spring there and after you've walked
round a park full of sulphur, you'd be surprised we wolfed these down, we are travellers

The rest of the time was spent driving and listening to more blankety blank
announcements for driver before we were dumped in the next Base Hostel. I have to say
I'm hating Base Hostels, the kitchens are always dirty, the staff are friendly but never
prepared and the rooms are stupidly tiny, hamsters have more room!

30.04 - Ok more confessions I missed another tour, however it was -5 degrees and had to
be up at 5am. I love this country but HELL NO! I've still got my beach gear packed,I need
to get thermal clothing to do any more of this tour! It was to climb an active volcano, Mt
Tauhara. From what I've been told, only do this during summer, unless you are a bad ass
who has spent a grand on thermal crap! (when will I use this again.....NEVER!)

Moving on, Taupo is just so cool, walking along Lake Taupo is fantastic, it's the largest lake
in New Zealand. I attempted to walk an eighth of the way but it just wasn't happening, 30
mins in, I called it quits, yes thats how big it is. After cooling my blisters, I'm on my way to the hot springs in the national park, now seeing the drama of the hot water beach, did myself and the group decide to go at a normal time?
Clearly not, why do things in the light to make life easier, when you can do it I the dark and
each the night sky......... And step on sharp rocks, suffer darkness and have nipples to rival
madonna's infamous cone boobies!

After hot and dark springs it's now time for the goof troop night out, I'm not even gonna
bother writing what happened as its too funny and horrific to think about! All I can say is a
random local Maori guy kept buying me drinks, I thought I was in there until I noticed he
was looking down my friend's impressive cleavage.

01.05 - uhhhh it's May already..... Clearly having too much fun if I forgot what month it is!
Currently at River Valley, and it's the land that time and wifi forgot! It's so epic and lovely I
can't even describe it! So much for me become a writer, I can't describe beautiful

I fear I may cry like Halle Berry at the oscars when I leave this place, I just sat by a
babbling brook (well Riveting River), iced tea on the go and watching the world go by. I can now say I'm very happy, content, relaxed, proud and lucky. So thank you to everyone that has cheered me on and supported me, especially the personal banks (mum and dad), goof troop and YAK!
Oh no theres tears on my iPad.....oh wait that's iced tea, SHIT!

It might be time to do another activity, it's either horse back riding or white water rafting.....
I want to do it here but feel it will be even more special (aka cheaper) in America :)

Anyway got time to kill this evening, a hot chocolate, bar snacks and bridesmaids tonight
in a very unusual lodge where 32 of us are all in the same room, PREPARE THE

Seriously who could leave this country!?!?

02.05 to 05.05 - Welcome to Beef Wellington, capital city of New Zealand (thank you Lady
NS for the correction), home of the one of the Top 50 museums in the world, Te Papa
(, impressive but was lost on a bunch of alcoholics. You alsos have the option of climbing Mount Victoria (hehe)
The 3 days here were basically freshers week for us but with the added bonus of the
Nomads Capital having a free meal deal with the bar next door, Blend.
. You can get vouchers from staying with Nomads in Oz or Nz!
All I can say about the condensed freshers week is that I got stripped and had Lenny
Henry on my shoulders....... I'm too old for this shit but it was still fun!

So follow on bloggers to WEEK 2 - South Island (South is always best, sorry YAK its true).......GOOD GOD!


Stay in any place where they have lodges or campaign parks, way more friendly, homely and surprisingly cheaper

Book Kiwi Experience not Stray, Stray at the time was more costly and they do a similar route but the people I've met from there need to be sectioned.....

Try to branch out and stay in the lodges available from the tour operator, maybe use other hostels in the main towns for cheaper deals

World Famous in New Zealand - BEST LEMONADE EVER!!