Whassup!? During the course of the kiwi experience, I come to realise (and confirm) that
life is its own comedy, no one really needs to think of one liners, make funny moments,
they just..... happen. I'm a man that loves
slapstick but when the spoken word comes into
play, you're onto a winner to pure comical gold.
This page is dedicated to the smartest and dumbest things muttered, yelled, spewed or
growled in conversation, be it sober or
drunken (mostly drunk) NOTE: this is obviously
more relevant to people who were on this tour, but join in on the fun!!
"You just need some homo remedies, uh home remedies"
"The word maggots are not to be
confused with the word faggots"
"We're in the glowfaggot caves"
"I think I want to be a lesbian tonight"
"Oh she needs to get over it, she got boned and ditched"
"Marv, you look good in that black
shirt, if I wasn't straight, I'd bang you"
"But Marv, you're the team leader"
"NNNNOOOOO, people back home would laugh knowing I'm left I charge of people"
"She was drunk and pretended to be a tree"
"Smell my Schmidt"
"Up the Schmidt"
"So what you think of the new guys at the back of the bus?" "They're a bunch of C*NTS!"
"Alright don't hold back"
(after a heated debate) "PETE, do
you disagree?" (insert stunned silence)
"I want cider boobs"
"Who ate my fergburger?" Lenny leaves the room "IT WAS YOU!"
"I just got touched up by a man, I need to go" "but Lenny its not the end of the world"
no Doreen, it is the end of the world!!"
"Don't make me Schmidt you up"
"Schmidt, Get to the CHOPPER!!"
"I feel like Schmidt"
"I want to suck"
(after being grabbed"randomly")
"oh he was gorgeous, I'm such a muppet but I love big
"Colours of the wind is a tune"
"I'm gonna suck you off like a meth addict"
"Oliver, theres only one crazy gay man at a
time.... I'm going home"
"Marvin Van Gerwen" & "Michael Van Gerwen"
"6 foot 2 and eyes of blue" (insert girly laugh)
"You whipped me with your hair" "Yeah I do that .....get used to it"
been well behaved before you got here and now 4 men have seen your kiwis"
"It's not rape if you're both smiling"
"Oh you're such a feeble man"
"Marv it's 80s power anthems tonight, this is your era...."
"You two faced, shagging bitch, get your hands off my man"
"Kieran don't make me put my dick in your face Again"
"You guys should know better not to have hoods on when I'm around"
"When you look this good, you can do what you want"
"Uh are women allowed to drive buses??" (said by a woman)
"Welcome to the bus of pain"
"Alright my luv" (said in Cornish accent)"
"Riddle for you guys... What do you do when a horny gay man comes up behind you?!?
"Marv, have you got your toothbrush?!" (this was sung to me)
"What shall we call our gay bar? Pussywillows?"
"guys please, nothing with pussy with in it"
"there you go, that's our name, thanks Dr Naive"
"Yeah and then he pulled a Lollipop out of his ass..... and he liked it"
"Brave, this is the song"
"Umm this is the song from Frozen, Brave is a different movie"
" I think I need a fork" "you've just eaten 62% of the pasta with your fingers, it's too late"
"I leave you for 5 minutes and you've eaten someone's leftover salad"
"yeah it it's free"
"Tonight is gonna be epic"
"Here comes the Jomminator"
"Rob, sorry you're no longer my number 1"
"Aren't you the junkie from Rock 'n' Rolla?"
"You would have thought a bus full of girls would be a dream to a man, it's bloody well isn't"
"Get your white slingbacks on luv' we're going out!"
"Oh but she's so gorgeous"
"uh Matt she plays rugby, she's probably a lezza"
(clearly displaying 1 metre with hands) "that's 6 inches" "oh lady you've been lied to!"
"You need to ride Matt, he's like, so comfortable to ride"
I love being banged and mashed" (while eating bangers and mash)
"uh Marv you just missed an innuendo" "WHAT!"
"Theres only one slut on this bus thank you" "after last night there's at least 4 now"
"Abba is sick"
"Her over there, the one with the nice personalities"
"We're a pretty bus"
(after running over frantically across a beach) "IT SAYS NEW ZEALAND ON IT"
"oh she's a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke
"WHAT YO CALL ME!"
"Oi bus wanker, we want to get to Lake Taupo sometime before 5pm"
(said in a manly Croydon accent) "Yeah my name is PETE, I'm going go to a bar and
"So do you fancy Rob?"
"well I did but after the drama of last night not anymore"
"uh Marv Iwasn't asking you"
"Lets watch Bridesmaids"
"WOOF WOOF" (said in manly baritone Croydon accent)
"Yeah but one of us is gay......."
"fuck off, no it's
"but you was the gay one last night PETE"
"yeah that's true"
"With those glasses and that hat, you look like Crazy Frog"
"Oh just do it"
"Let's play Three Man"
"We're at the harbour where there was pirate ships coming in all the time, look some pirates" "what? Where?""umm that was a joke"
"Uh did you just pee in our room?"
"Up the schmidter"
"The queen of Queenstown is going, it's just going to be called town after this"
"Camp street, shotover street, Queenstown and yet no bloody GAY BAR"
"Oh Marv come out for lunch"
"I can't be arsed, I'm sick, poor and tired"
"I have a $5 off coupon"
"well what you waiting for? LET'S GO WOMAN!"
"you're not clumsy, you're just retarded"
" My dad told me not to laugh so much, because it sounds like a cow being strangled"
And here's the Maa specials again
"ok we are here at, uh..... Cathedral
Cove, you have 3 places to hike to, Cathedral Cove, Stingray Bay and uh .......1 minute silence...... And the other one"
"were in bulls now, post office where everything is postabull, police station, constabull! Library readabull"
I counted 41 people before we set off and we now have 44, so yeah"
"We had 5 shovels for the hot water beach trip And now we have 6 ....so, uh, cool"
"Just been told there's a girl in the bathroom finishing herself off, so need
to wait for her"
everyone promptly turns to me waiting for a joke, I rise to the challenge "I think she has
Adam's electric toothbrush with her" challenge completed, grossed out faces and loud
follow, I thank you :)
"Does anybody know the two German guys?? ......well got a call, we forgot them, we're
"Does anybody know what a bum doctor is called? Marvin wants to know"
got everyone on the bus?" (we set off 3 mins by this time)
This bus will be missed......