Hello Spider-Man!

Westport to Wanaka

So the following morning in Westport, the icicle surfers head off to one of the beach with the staff from the Bazil hostel, I swear one of the instructors looked like Jason statham (mini drool). The rest of us then went on to walk cape foulwind where there was again more spectacular views of more sea, cliffs, a chance to pet a horse and this is the best bit...... A seal colony (largest in NZ) in tauranga bay!!! Quick, someone fetch me a club.....I see a poacher I want to beat up!

After picking up the surfers at the end of our walk and try to pick a hot chocolate that the
driver told us about but all we found toilets that not even George Michael would use in a
drunken, drug fuelled desperation for looking for "faith" while singing "Too funky" (i have loads of these jokes on standby.
Moving on, we make several other stops that include greymouth , Truman track and
something else, again the spirit of Maa is writing this part of the blog. It advisory you get as
much you can here in terms of food as everything is stupidly expensive from here till, well
to be honest, everything is expensive here but this is the "cheapest stop".

Fun fact time - there's only 30,000 people on the west coast of the south island, the 85,000
sheep are slowly plotting their revenge. Never watch "Black Sleep" if you want a normal
life after this.

Oh and we're here, after 435 Kms of winding roads to make even Jensen button sick,
we're here in Franz Josef, however exciting news, we've heard the bus ahead of us was
stopped in its tracks to Wanaka due to a landslide, so we get a mini reunion with the some
of the original crew and MA! (if you don't know who this is, go read Mr Men, this is too
advance for you)
We arrive in the lodges of Rainforest Backpackers, Franz Josef, we are quickly huddled
into The bar........for rules and payment, well that was deceptive! The main guy gives us a
speech about the rules and sit while a woman brings out two drinks, whatever the question
was going to be next very one instantly puts their hands up, he quickly calms the main
alcoholics in the group. (one of them being a girl who was nicknamed Crazy Frog for her
mad eyes, goggles and bobble hat). We are then introduced to Donkey, a tall stupidly good
looking, big handed guy who told us about something or yeah, words , things...... What
was I saying again!
After leaving that place where Donkey was, we were in our rooms, within 5 mins were filled
with bags, within 10 mins dirty and 30 mins unliveable. But I notice something when
walking to the reception on the hunt for donkey, uh I mean the wifi code. IT'S THE
Great Scott ("actually I'm Irish", sorry silly joke from the joker off the Batman cartoon) it's
like a war drama where the soldiers come back or a models and fashion designers at the
end of a runway. It's unnecessarily emotional considering it's only been 6 days since we
saw them but it's intense on this bus, in normal living being timing it's the equivalent of a
There's also something evil about this place, as someone stole my shoe, not both just
one. Twats!
I'm not even going to bore with the drunken antics, as they will be lost on most readers
here but there was more random shagging, the reintroduction of three man (drinking
game) and the new catchphrase - SCHMID (just remove any rude word and replace it with
Schmid and do a German accent and you got yourself a strange little insult).
After day one of the random fun where I again entertained the troops with my maniac old
Skool dancing and got beaten by chicken Priya Priya at pool, who would have thought
someone so skinny and sweet would be so good at pool or someone big and furry so bad
at pool?!? As three man was played, no one was really in the mood to wake up although we
woke to hangovers that we're so bad we collectively pulled out of paintball which only 4
people actually joined in on. Laugh it was a game of 3 on 1, like a bad reinactment of
predator, PETE run!

In Franz Josef, you can do the famous Ice glacier walks, helicopter ride, kayaking through
the glaciers and more horse trekking! Again I look at everyone's excited albeit hungover
faces and my crypt from the dead bank balance and continue my sleep and playing with
the fat ginger pussy in the kitchen (......and the cat, collective "EEWWW, NASTY")
After the paintball survivors come back, we are then visited by the guys we left in
Kaitittytitty and surprisingly I haven brief hiatus from drinking, even the AA couldn't stop
this lot! However from the previous few nights, we eventually made friends with the bus we
met in Picton.

Interlude - forgot to mention, The "new" people, ok well we are the new people actually
since its their original bus, I had names for this lot as well:
A&F boys
Merseyside Mermaids
Crazy Frog
Wee Bed Hopper
The tall leprechauns
R&B girls

Follow me to the next section...

Lake Matheson - Beautiful!

The following day we move, leaving the Kaitittytitty group behind, the bus is filled with
excitement of the glacier tours, I just smile, nod and die a little inside. DAMN YOU
As the bus drives along I just notice its only been 2 weeks on the bus, I have money, no
idea what is going, my moobs are coming back with a vengeance, I've lost/misplaced/
stolen loads of items and know what?! I couldn't give a shit I'm having a great time, thank
you kiwi land (points middle finger to Australia and boys that stole my shoe).

Proceeding, we head towards Lake Matheson, all I can say about this place it's probably
the place where I wanted to cry but I was too tired and too busy clicking away like a
Japanese tourist after 5 redbulls! It's a photographs dream, a mirror lake that reflects the
neighbouring mount cook, smoky mist on the grounds, sunlight sipping through the cracks
of trees, dew glistened spider webs, a hungover irishman, a cafe that has the tastiest
salmon ever, it's breathtaking!
If you do this bus or the mentally challenged Stray bus and you've not fallen for this place
by the time you've seen this place, you are officially dead inside as in like, tim burton
creation dead inside!

After a pant wetting view and knee clicking hour walk and followed by 1 hour drive , we finally arrive in Wanaka, if I have ever seen a postcard town, this would be it!


The driver tells us some stupid tales about dolphins being in there but they only come out for peanut butter, um I'm pretty sure flipper only comes out for seafood pizza, duh!
Again another Base however this one has a great view of the town and the bar below.
There's quite a bit to do here, although for some reason we have this crazy obsession of
going uphill everywhere (seriously, even superman couldn't hurt my calves right now).
However it's worth it, myself, pomdayank, 1/2 of birds of a feather and two funky manchester girls I've not introduced you to yet, GeorgLizza, dressed head to toe in 90s northern chic.
We thankfully head up at sunset and it's amazing, just seeing the pink and blood orange
sky, the lake reflecting the town and mountains behind and the town slowly morphing into
a sleepy fishing town into a mini street lamp lit funky town.
The evening was quiet from what I remember I think we are all recharging for what Doreen
would call "Epic" that's right we are heading to........QUEENSTOWN tomorrow. I've never
known so much excitement in my life I could burst but as much as I like us going to
Queenstown its not even eclipsing my excitement and semi for PUZZLE WORLD......
But More on this in "south island part 3, Rise of the Sith, uh I mean stiff!"

YES I know its long but I've written 7 A4 pages and counting, give me a break!

See you bitches on the flip side......

Wanaka :)