The Town Hall/ Church...I think!

Nuremberg…. PAH more like Iceberg

Guten Tag Beautiful Travellers

 

I have a warning to start off this blog entry and I’m so sorry as I normally have some lukewarm joke to start things off but no, it’s time to be serious.

 

I Marvin D Lowe, Age 30 - something, will NEVER book or fly with RYANAIR EVER AGAIN and I will do my best to discourage other well meaning travellers from using them.

 

I’ll get to Germany in a minute, but I need to point this out, I booked the flights for our weekend city break with Ryanair and like an idiot I forgot what they were like, it’s charge city on the website, I’m pretty sure there’s a law barring them from charging us for not booking within 52 seconds of adding the tickets to the basket. “oooh your seats are in the basket but you took too long and are currently on hold it’s £2 a seat to retrieve them……. plus additional booking fee”

 

Even after booking I received countless emails to “check in”, now normal flight companies say check in up to a week before departure BUT oh no, not “glorious” Ryanair, it was  sending check in emails 2 weeks before but you couldn’t book in for free, 4 days before and not even 4 days it was like 3days and 22 hours before!!! And to round up the fun, our seats were “randomly” selected and in Ryanair style, the seats couldn’t be further apart if they tried…..Guess what you need to pay for sensible allocated seats, even then don’t bother. You know who else flies on Ryanair? That’s right tight ass bastards, no one is in the allocated seat they wanted, as they spotted their mate and sat with them after take off! And I had to pay extra just to have a normal sized bag and it was priority pass, and every time I checked my seat, it was worse than Andy’s and he had peasant seats!! 

Astonishingly I probably spent more time reading their online material and visiting the site than going on the actual break.

 

My advice to all travellers, just because it’s cheap now doesn’t mean it will be cheap by checking in time…REMEMBER THAT

 

Anyway…. You came here for me to ramble on about Germany.

 

So confession time, I LOVE GERMANS and anything Germany, even tenuously linking anything remotely German too, hence my hidden shame of liking David Hasslehoff and Kelsey Grammar, yes I know they are old but they’re practically in lederhosenosen in my eyes, so who cares?!?!

 

ALRIGHT enough German talk I thought for 5 mins, I need to rant some more, and we’re back to the Ryanair flight, I have my next piece of advice/ warning.

 

When booking trips ALWAYS double check what events, holidays or sports are being held when you go, I keep trying to remember school and religious holidays but wait a min what is that?

 

*THUD THUD at the imaginary door*

 

“Hello, who’s there? Is it pizza?”

 

“YO MARV, I’M YOUR BOLLOCKS, YOU’RE A MAN STILL, YOU NEED TO REMEMBER SPORTS! SPORTS RULE! YA POOF”

 

*Marv clutches pearls and fans his face with feather duster*

 

Yes we managed to get a flight from Manchester to Nuremberg under the pretence we were going for cultural weekend, to be then hit by the boxing fans which consisted of the biggest obnoxious Ginger Scouse crowd, a posse of boxing fans whose vocabulary was limited to “left, right, hook, beer, boobs, passport, pal” and a gaggle of girls who basically went there to see who would pay for their drinks and accom as they spent all their money on the flight, botox and their broken dreams.

 

The whole flight just reminded me why everyone loves Britain but not brits abroad, I felt ashamed, well for Andy, I could just put on an African accent on and pretend I didn’t belong. “EH, why are you people so loud, we do not talk like this in Wakanda”

 

With the flight in full swing, we’re off to Germany, I excited at the prospect as I’ve never been and I’m also disappointed as I realised we’ve probably booked the same flight back as Ryanair despite their heavy advertising about frequent flights, only had 2 flight times on the Sunday and lets face it no one wants to fly before McDonalds Breakfast has started (or finished)

 

Right get over it Marv, no more Ryanair talk!!!

There's no Greggs Andy

Since it’s the end of February, we were struck by the winter cold snap as soon as we got off the plane, I know it’s getting closer to Spring but Jeez someone tell Mother Nature she’s still Christmas Shopping. IT’S TOO COLD, LIKE MINUS 6 COLD!! 

 

GOOD NEWS Nuremberg Airport is only 20 mins away from the town centre and it’s Germany so it’s efficient beyond belief, I don’t think we even got out of the airport, we were on the U2 Underground line and at Plarrer Station, Andy did we even pay? I can’t remember!!

 

We stayed in the Leonardo Nuremberg hotel (https://www.leonardo-hotels.com/leonardo-hotel-nuernberg) and it’s nice and the staff are friendly, I instantly had to say Guten Tag, like my grade C GCSE German was worth it! (i lie, I never took German, the shame!)

The thing with this hotel was that they were so accommodating that when we slept in the room, it was like sleeping in a sauna….on the sun! I know it’s to counteract cold but with the mixed mesh of temperatures, however I think I’m going through the change!! What was I writing again?

 

Now Nuremberg the town/city is lovely and very Bavarian in places, like it’s always Christmas Market here but still has a great metropolitan vibe but it’s kinda hidden in the back end of the town.    We basically went around the town at night and Andy was like “oh is that it? Just these streets” I love this man but if it’s out of vision, it doesn’t exist :) the ultimate Atheist. We had a wander and like any lost tourist in a respectable city, we found the red light district straightaway. I’ll say this now, if you are a black man in need of instant shallow gratification from someone’s daughter, walk past the red light district, it’s not very inviting, most of them were texting or looking for the vibrate option on their phones but when I walked past, I got “attention” and a bit of a whiff.

 

I was half expecting the slutty looking scouse girls to be there but they probably get jobs in the red light district, probably not as sex workers, they looked more like the cleaners or health inspectors…actually on second thoughts, just cleaners.

 

Come for the Beer, Stay for the food...umm no just the beer

Day 2 of Nuremberg was a slightly more exciting we ventured further into town, and would you look at that Andy, there’s more town, even a massive castle at the top of a prominent hill. (hehe I joke xxx) editor note - can you leave your love life squabbles out of the entry! Marv you are the editor, ummmm wait? What?

 

Anyhoo!! Town is very spread out, you have the shopping district, the museum/cultural section and then there’s just nothing but beer and sausages places everywhere. This is why I love Germany, their one of the few places where I know I can have sausage 3 times a day and not feel weird about it. Sausage and Baileys Ice Cream, yeah sure!!!

 

There’s a stream of markets open which sell street food and all the other usual market stuff but I highly recommend a small coffee stand which was in the middle of HauptMarkt which is essentially in the middle and near the tourist info centre. There’s a short Italian looking dude who sells the BEST coffee, when someone offers you a free chocolate shot and takes 10 mins to make your coffee you know you’re in for a good ride!! Oh my diabetes!

 

I will say this about the town there’s nothing too out of the ordinary here, it’s very quaint yet vast but not really many attractions but I repeat, it’s -6, my mind wasn’t on attractions it’s on survival of the warmest. May I add -6 looks like a prawn on a cocktail stick or a key crank.

 

After gradually orgasming after the coffee we head to the castle and HBO /GOT have ruined all castles for everyone, you instantly go “oh this looks like the Stark Castle”. That show has the medieval concept wrapped around it’s little dad killing, incesteral finger. 

 

I’ve got to disappoint you now (editor note - what you haven’t already, it’s taken you 3 days to write this!! ME - SHUSH) I normally have some shocking bitchy note about the locals but this is Germany, any weirdness is removed and only shown overseas, everyone in this town was pleasant, efficient and vanilla. Our only encounter with someone with spark was a woman, who walked past us and not sure why she was looking but suddenly had a massive smug look on her face, like she was on a diet but she found the best chocolate mousse and since no one saw her eat it, it didn’t count. Proper 1950s woman, pat your hair moment. Again it’s -6 no one wants to crack a smile in case it freezes like that.

 

I can recommend a lovely fish restaurant called Nordsea which was leading towards the main square from and it just has loads of fish dinners and again German efficient is at full capacity, we joined a 20 people queue. I have no idea what happened but the server was very regimented I blinked twice, the queue disappeared, I was sat at the table and Andy was finishing his beer, Andy did we pay? What happened?

 

For dinner went to a place which was in the old Bavarian town near Openhaus station and it’s a tourist trap, the food was decent but you can tell it’s the wimpy of Bavarian food. I wouldn’t go round that area. I’ll post a picture so you know where not to go! It;s Germany I expect to be slapped in the face with colossal meat not just a little frankfurter....

 

What do you expect on this train ride kids?
WRONG 60 middle aged bugggers with constant grimace, what a fun time had by all!

HOLD THE PRESS!!! (editor note - this is a website, there’s no press to hold!! Me - Why do I keep writing you in??)

 

McDonalds sells a chicken box, it has chicken wings and loads of nuggets, I repeat, CHICKEN WINGS & NUGGETS, I think I laid an egg when I saw this, and ordered it!!! Nuremberg has castles, Bavarian architecture that is reminiscent of fairytales, museums galore, bars which have litre tankers for beer, a red light district, and what’s the one thing I was impressed with - a Chicken box at Mcdonalds, I can’t stop blinking in disbelief in this product and my own indescribable lack of cultural prowess.

 

Another warning/ advice - Nuremberg is historically a Catholic town so EVERYTHING is shut on a Sunday and if it does open it’s just the Multinational company , so Starbucks for Breakfast!

 

For a bit of Gay update, there’s a scene here but we must have missed it, again -6, no one wants cold penis, so everywhere was a little dead, we went to a place called Savoy Bar which “CeeCee Blooms” gay, a dreary old skool haunt, complete with a camp manager, a leather daddy, more like creepy uncle and a guy with floppiest barnet I’ve seen. Even the walk to bar was like the start of a bad porno or a crime watch reenactment. Next was Cafe Bar Cartoon which was in the town centre and lively, if you ever need a small snack don’t go here, it big portion time, much to Andy’s shock and my amusement “oh I’ll just get a toast” *BOOM large baguette on the table* (not the type you’re thinking, dirty bugger)

 

 

 

Oh we’re heading back home and what is this?? Where are the slutty scousers on the plane, maybe they did get that cleaning job after all!

 

So here’s where I need to leave you with this note, I wouldn’t rush back here but would recommend to people to check this place out if you like German history, Sausages and Scousers

"it is very game of thrones, shall we learn about the king here?"
"nah"
Nuremberg Castle last king was...ummm, I don't know we were too busy pretending to Jamie & Cersei up in the tower

and the heavens opened god rejoiced
"HERE MARVIN, IT'S THIS OR HELL?!"
NOM NOM NOM - See you soon Lucifer