Greetings fellow readers,
Well for those who haven’t guessed from my heavy hint in the Reading blog and the Bolton Poem Blog, I’ve moved to my new home in Manchester (via Bolton). Actually for those who didn’t guess, you need stronger glasses, watch more Jessica Fletcher or get professional help… I’m just saying!
So this morning I decided to write about Manchester, well to be honest I asked by YAK (Andy) to do it and I whinged I didn’t know how to make it interesting then, he slapped my ass and then gave me an idea.( Seriously he beats me ‘cos he loves me!!)
So this blog I will write about Manchester as if she was a woman, I’ll await the abuse from feminista UK branch, as shit is going to get weird and slightly misogynistic, no kitchen jokes will be used….maybe one.
Let us start with the one thing on a woman that EVERYONE regards as the most important thing on a woman, her HAIR! For those of who jumping straight to the boobs, don’t bother reading any more of this as it will be too highbrow for you? And those thinking brain, let’s not kid ourselves no one looks at anyone thinking, “oooh I wonder if they are an analytical reflector thinker?!?” Anyway the hair in Manchester would be the city itself, it is always changing, growing and it has layers, yeah that’s right a gay knows about hair terms, call the Guardian we have a new discovery. The best thing about the hair/city aspect is that it’s inviting, dark and strong, and so much of it, Manchester is the 3rd largest city after all. So in this case, I’m going to say this woman will be Asian. Sorry I know but Asian woman have the best hair ever, “it’s so thick and black” (Jenna Maroney, 30 rock circa 2008)
Now onto the next best thing about a lady are the LEGS, yes I am a leg man and if you wanted to know what the legs were represented by it would be the football clubs, yes Man U and Man City. And like the clubs, the representation of a good loving woman would have her legs divided (feministas ready your pitch forks). Yes the two clubs/legs which draw people in, have separate supporters, City for the people who live here and Man U for the people who like an easy ride (there’s a joke in here somewhere to include the leg analogy, AAHHH too apathetic to bother). Like with most people one leg is stronger than the other, I’m not going to say which one is better but you decide, FA fans! Anyhoo the legs are the strong support for the city and invite people in…willingly!
I now bring you another part of the lady we hate to admit is so engaging but necessary to notice, the CLOTHES, for the “will he mention boob” brigade, go do the ice bucket challenge!
So we have the northern quarter is classy, artsy area, full of vibrancy, hipster and versatility, if you need to have fun, you’ll find it here, let’s just say it’s a strappy top with glitter on it, and probably glitter from the night before after going raving. Colour- black & gold (hello Sam Sparro). One place to head to will be Turtle Bay (http://ilovemanchester.com/2014/06/09/turtle-bay-caribbean-restaurant-reviewed-jamaica-me-crazy.aspx) Please go it’s amazing and the link here will definitely convince you. And to go with our black strappy (sounds rude) we have the Arndale (www.manchesterarndale.com/) & Markets (www.manchester.gov.uk/info/500241/christmas_markets/5687/manchester_christmas_markets_visitor_information_and_travel/2 ). Normal & German, not that German isn’t normal, oh stop Brown Bear!!!, you could edit this out, no too late…. it’s uploaded, NNoooo! Why am I having an argument with myself?? #geminifreak. These can be the extra details in the top, like a sequin butterfly or flower, or both, heck you can have Kew Gardens in there it’s your top. Loads of shopping, loads of food and you MUST see the Jamaican woman in the Piccadilly gardens market she’s so cute and has a laugh that just goes right through you, try her sweet dumplings (perv). You can try other stuff but I want this to be the most Jamaican City in the UK…. Bumbaclot! (Brown Bear you are from Barbados via Reading…. shush, other me!)
There’s also the other top you have, the fancy long sleeved blouse also known as the Trafford Centre (http://intu.co.uk/traffordcentre) , it’s that top you wear that makes you look like a posh teacher or high class prozzie (yes that one) but has a lot of colour, so maybe it’s a mesh of slick silk and a Christmas jumper….that lights up. However you only go it occasionally when you want a bit of glitz and glamour.
However Manchester has been naughty in its youth, like our woman and has a few tramp stamps to prove it. They are the arms, the left being the gay area, Canal street (www.canal-st.co.uk ). Take the “c” out of that and have a good laugh, well go on then; LAUGH!! I’ve had a few nights out on this street and I have a horrific story to tell you. Prepare the biscuits and earl grey.
Myself and a few friends went to Manchester for my birthday, it was a warm and chilled evening, we sat in a bar, umm just pick one they all look alike after 15 babyshams and my friend decides to go for a fag (smoke not bender). We are sat by the side fearing if I will fall in the canal, I sit down and we (un)fortunately catch the eyes of a hen party. Now to inform you hens love gays, gays love everything but this made us think twice. My friend decides to shout across and say “oi Bride looking fit” and they heckle us all back and so forth. However, with every Hen party, a moose dressed as a hen has infiltrated the ranks. She turns to us and said “You lot aren’t gay, you’re missing some of this” What can be described was a disturbing meeting of eyes and minge, yes the moose has let it loose and flashed the boy the forbidden love tunnel.
The right arm tattoo will have to be the student area, Fallowfield and infamous curry mile (http://www.theculturetrip.com/europe/united-kingdom/england/articles/manchester-s-curry-mile-the-9-best-restaurants ) both make you wonder how any of the residents are still alive and if they are, why are they so tough. The student area is literally infested with bars, cheap takeaway and some awesome housing, the main university is grand and we don’t mention the other metropolitan as the students will be up in arms to know its existence is acknowledged. Curry mile will have you playing “Curry Lotto” it’s a gamble to find the best but with the link I provided you can skip to the one with star rating of 5….. I think!
Let’s give this a visual, the left arm is a sailor with a questionable bulge and rose tequila shot in hand and the right is a skull and crossbones, well replace the bones with a chilli pepper and a lacrosse stick
Before we go any further, we may need to get a bit sexual, like with the lady there are a few secret spots that make things exciting, so you need to work your way around and find them. I will give you one I know, Second Cup (http://mysecondcup.com/ ), a glorious Canadian coffee House which will make you think twice about starwhores, sorry I mean bucks. The staff are awesome, the coffee is so smooth and velvety, if this is the comparison, and I might have to say the G Spot. It hits the spot and keeps you going for hours (mins for men).
Back to the lady, now the irresistible parts, the things you look at and keep you interested, the EYES, BRAIN & MOUTH, again boob bandits you’re gonna have to switch to youporn! Yes the things that intrigue and tell us things, with an array of different entertainment venues, theatres, music den/pubs, playhouses, galleries, museums; Manchester is probably 2nd to London in terms of culture iconography and establishments, probably third after Hull - City of Culture 2017 (I couldn’t stop laughing after I wrote that).So far all I can say is visit and do everything, especially the Town Hall, Salford Quays, Manchester museum, Old Trafford, Palace theatre/Hotel and so much more. So much more that I had to get timeout to do the rest for me – (http://www.timeout.com/manchester/things-to-do/20-great-things-to-do-in-manchester ).
A woman takes a lot of pride in her eyes and lips, don’t forget it. But you’ll love the brain occupying that sexy space. That brings me onto another story I have to tell, later this year ….
And let’s cut to the chase, this is what you came here for BOOBS yes a woman must have boobs, even aspirin on an ironing board boobs are fine, but these are big pendulous, generous breasts and know what represents the boobs….. the people! Yes I know before you get all miffed about what I said, let me explain. Everyone loves boobs, they are wonderful, life giving, fascinating entertainment source, friendly, sexy and just awesome. Yes people of Manchester you are boobs and I couldn’t be happier and well loved. Ta Luv xx
Although I will have to say there are some rough and DIRRTY (thank you Xtina) edges and unsightly bits with our lady, like with anyone before the feministas get nasty, just stay away from Crumpsall, Moss Side and Rusholme, I know that’s where curry mile is but once you’ve had a Biryani, you’re on your own….. motherfucker!
Now for the thing that somehow as important as un-important but completes the whole package, the NAILS which will represent the greater Manchester mini-boroughs, Bury (it’s Newbury’s twin sister), Ashton under Lyne (don’t go any further than 1 mile outside the tram stop), Bolton (see other blog), Didsbury and Altrincham. There’s more but this lady is lazy and only decided to paint on hand i.e. I’ve not ventured to the other places. (There will be updates in time.)
And to finish off the fashion, we have a lovely leather metallic belt also known as the Metrolink Tram (http://www.metrolink.co.uk/Pages/default.aspx) , this by far one of the best transport systems I’ve been on and it’s so cheap, like £55 a month to get around the main centre, hhmm TFL take note!!
However most importantly we have the one thing every woman has a PERSONALITY, yeah it comes after the boobs, guys. And here’s something to get the feministas turning into the Red Hulk. Like the Persona, the city is always changing, always laughing, always eager, always friendly, always busy, always upbeat, always strong and always finds you a cheap cocktail which you’ll regret the next morning.
In closing the city is vibrant, dirty, interesting, versatile, friendly, sexy, multicultural and covered in tats….. So basically what I’m say is that if Manchester was a woman it would be Margaret Cho
As a gift for the “Margaret City” woman, I give her a present of a charm bracelet with charms also known as hotels here’s some charms/ hotels
http://www.cpmanchester.com/ - Crowne Plaza Manchester
http://www.palacehotelmanchestercity.co.uk/ - Palace Hotel – good for the theatre and Ritz
http://www.campanile.com/ - nice but out of the city, well 20 mins walk, ok get taxi lazy it’s only £5 to get there
https://www.bestwestern.co.uk/hotels/best-western-willow-bank-hotel-83809?utm_source=google_places&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Best_Western_Willow_Bank_Hotel – You’ll be living like a king amongst the Students…. With a McDonalds round the corner.
www.ibis.com/manchester - I’ve stayed in them so much, my ass is probably still dented in the mattress
http://www.bartonvilla.co.uk/ - quite little place in Ashton under Lyne with cute manager.
“I think I found this in the bin” charms
www.hotelonrivington.com - No Just, No….
Well it finally happened, I had a northern Xmas and "BYGUM" it was glorious, I've even forgotten every southern word I used to use to describe things it's been that overwhelming.
So myself and YAK decided to book an Aparthotel, which is a weird word, I always imagine I'd have to put the hotel together in order to stay there. We stayed at the Blue Rainbow Aparthotel in the much sought after area in central Manchester (http://www.bluerainbowaparthotels.com/). Despite all the praise I have to give in a moment, you would think that the name like "blue rainbow" would be obvious, no! Someone at their design and marketing team said, let’s make it red, pink and sliver and not use a RAINBOW!! Seriously get these people a CMYK chart and make them watch a program with Zippy, Bungle and George in it! IT'S SIMPLE!!
Anyway, the place is amazing, *NEW JOB EGO BRAGGING ALERT* with my new job, I got a good discount on this place for Xmas and ended up in the Executive Apartment, my lord, I want to live here. It's well laid out, well equipped and clean, like you could eat off the toilet (please don't). It's very modern and chic, yes even the obligatory 1960's pop culture icon canvas was provided, and you get these in affluent places when they know they've run out of design patterns, we got Audrey Hepburn!
It's in a good quiet location and despite it being in the centre but with Deansgate train & train station 2 mins away.
And before you enquire, yes I had an amazing time, did you? Ummmm what? I can't hear you I'm too busy being affluent.
Since I can never end my entries without some random story, I'll give you two as it's a time of sharing and shaming.
1. I came back from a trip to Reading with a nasty bug/flu and gave it to YAK unfortunately it involved "stomach unpleasantries" for us, the hotel decided to only give us ONE half used toilet roll. After a heavy Xmas dinner we RUN out of paper, as I'm a former scout I managed to scavange some subway serviettes as a replacement. To make things worse I was halfway through “using” one serviette and found a black olive in it.....NEXT
2. A fight breaks out around 11pm on Christmas day in the adjacent apartment and I had to put my hands in my head and go why? Yes that's right it was black people! and I now have to admit something which Gina Yashere and Wanda Sykes bring up and is right, when there's any type of disturbance, a black person will instantly think "is it a black person, don’t shame us we are all together and dignified" and when they find out they then go into the groups "I had to identify them as "the other black". I had a look at the culprit, yes he was Jamaican, my Bajan heart can rest. Sorry it's true if a black person shames themselves in front of anyone, you need to shift the blame to "the other blacks" (it's always Jamaican!!)
And as a bonus we have a third mini tale
3. My friend whose name I will protect again in case I get summoned to court, so her codename is Gin! we treated her to a Margaret Cho stand up DVD viewing and let's just say I think gay right ranting and period jokes didn't win her over.... she's odd, I have to delete Gin, clearly! (if she's reading this, of course I won't, love you :) xx)
Anyway Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year, don't do anything I wouldn't do.... that doesn't leave much you dirty bitch!