Bolton….. Michael Bolton
Come closer, little closer, now before I go any further, I need to tell you a secret….. Yak and I eloped to Bolton and we 50% like it here, don’t tell anyone as we told people we love it here!! You got that? Ok let’s continue….
GOOD MORNING/AFTERNOON/ EVENING, whenever you are reading this, I hope to enlighten you (and myself) about the charms and qualms of Bolton, the town not Michael.
Actually…. screw it, I feel like shaking things up for this entry, it’s time for the dubious rhyme, let me entertain you, even fascinate you, oh hear that, it’s Bag Lady by Erykah Badu.
Hear me readers, and I’ll invite you to a town
Just above the greater Manchester crown
Bolton, bizarre place draped with old yet change
Only 15 miles from Whalley Range
The people are rough, rock-hard and ready
But the prices from crawshaws are always steady
A man yells “gammon and chicken, always just 5 pounds”
Something enticing for the Sunday roast rounds (gotta love the north)
The wanderers are scrapping in the football championship,
I moved here for a promising and loving relationship.
Also a promise of Yates nachos, cheese and spicy salsa dip!
Walk the streets and embrace the surprising October Heat
Unfortunately met with an obnoxious Cameroon market stall greet
“Please brotha, come sit down, enjoy and eat”
Don’t eat his chicken.. Better off licking feet!
Loving the town for mixed faces and culture
I stare at the lovely African ladies, like an eager vulture.
One day a voluptuous lady runs past,
In a dash, not going particularly fast
Her hair, boobs and ass, give a good shake
A bus driver avoids her, choking the brake
While she runs, awaiting her public transport fate
Holding her hand up “ Mr Bus driver, please wait”
A Roman town hall blessed with grace
Over there, is that a teen getting stoned off his face?
Visit the library, aquarium, even a museum for free
Full of replicas, here’s a link, honest, ……trust me (http://www.boltonmuseums.org.uk/ )
The surroundings of our house is docile, calm
Except last night which caused such an alarm
Crash, Slam, Bang and Boom
I feared something would hurt my future groom
Woken from a dreamy midnight slumber
By a drunken man screaming, “Becky I luv yak”
After we peered, feared and judged
I went back to sleep, I snored, Andy budged
Anyway enough our personal lives, you came for a guide
Instead a drunken council scum, snore fest ride.
What else can I tell you about this bizarre yet quaint place
Oh, its home to many a famous face…
Vernon Kay, Sara Cox and comedian Peter Kay
If my writing continues I may become Bolton’s famous gay.
The oldest pub is the old man and Scythe
I walked in once …. I had to think twice
Moving on Amir Khan, the ambassador of Bolton’s boxing
I’m running out of rhymes, hello Kitty, umm foxing?!?!
Let’s bring this to a close and give my brain a rest
Bolton may not be great, but it will give you it’s best.
Right I hope you enjoyed that as that was an one off as my brain really did go into meltdown 16 lines into that poem!
Next blog, even though i've been saying it for the past 4 months...... Manchester!