Andy models .....

Cornwall, PeaWindow, Beandoor, CarrotCouch

Today’s letter is T and the word is Tranquil

Roll up Roll up, come one come all to the most tranquil, marvellous, countrified, middle class resort you will ever see in this part of England, yes we are in Cornwall this time….my luv.

Yes it’s for those ladies who dress like new age hipsters power rangers and acid version of the spice girls in uggs and gilets, yes for the men who look like the backup rugby team or insist on having surfer dreadlocks (which I want to chop) and yes to the older people who love quirky pet craftwork and cream tea.

So in recent news the reason why this site has been quiet is due to my grandad death and been concentrating on other things and my commute to Bolton is a mundane as it is frustrating, so we can skip that part. We were meant to be heading to either Spain or Portugal but the week we had off was the week of the funeral , so to make sure we stayed in the UK, but never fear I blog for your sakes anyway.

Myself and Andy (the artist formerly known as YAK or Prince) have hired a car from Europcar and its fairly reasonable but they don’t have many locations in towns so challenge one was heading to Manchester Airport, thankfully I didn’t have to go, “SEE YA ANDY”!!

Right 7am start on a Sunday here we come Cornwall, The drive was quite quick 5-6 hours even though we tried to drive via Wales but no matter what Google maps says they clearly don’t want us going to Wales, so no visit to Catherine ZETA Spartacus Jones Land! We arrive in a good time after Andy having his foot on the accelerator (but not speeding, we are over 18 and mindful, I thank you) and I provide some banging tunes, and  when I say banging I mean, Fleur East and my muzzak collection that hasn’t passed 2006, hello Eternal, NOW 55 and Blur.

So for anyone who has booked and travelled to an area in any country where they have never been before but gone on recommendation from a friend and TripAdvisor reviews that it can go one of 2 ways:

  1. You are pleasantly surprised but you set your expectations beforehand to low  like the likelihood of the Sugababes returning to the music scene low
  2. You are furious that someone even recommended this to you and you tell them you had high hopes even though you secretly had low “Sugababes reunion” thoughts and you strangle them with the umbrella you bought cos you stayed in a rain wasteland in some remote county where time and fashion forgot

Thankfully we had scenario option 1 for St Ives

Thanks to my new job in a travel company I’m now fortunate to get some “privileges” so I now have another excuse to keep travelling This blog and the bf are the other excuses if you wanted to know.

Pre warning (there’s gonna be a lot of these kids prepare yourselves) if you are one of these people who picks up accents, you will pick this up too easily, it’s like you are the friendliest pirate whose ready to tell an astonishing dirty limerick, yes it’s the Cornish accent :) ENJOY, my luva! 15 mins before I had the accent…..

With a wide range of hotels and since I’m up myself I’ve now decided to stay in castles. Yes you read right Castles, staying in this rustic, gothic and majestic Tregenna Castle hotel (www.tregenna-castle.co.uk/) it’s a great place, over-looking the small town and it’s odd as it has ye olden surroundings but there’s a spa centre, golf course, tennis court, crochet (that game they play in Alice in Wonderland and a “sub-tropical walled garden. In the history of travel, I have never come across something posted EXCACTLY what it is, it’s so direct and to the point that even the Germans would be proud as things need to be literal and need to be matter of fact. (To be said in a German- English accent, “We do not need this word play, get to the point”)

Yes the sea really is that clear

We will get to the beds later but let’s get through the town bit as I’m going to save the best til last.

Actually pre warning, for people who hates walking and hate hills, avoid the castle area as it’s really a castle that was ready for battle back in the yesteryear as it REALLY high up and steep, therefore you see the coastline. But anyone who knows Cornwall and Devon we all know you need either a 4x4 jeep or thick rugby/butch lesbian legs & must be accompanied by a large Labrador to get around.

This really is a seaside resort town that looks like it was modified by jasper Conran and habitat, you want big high street shops, Penzance is 30 mins away, if you want streets filled with local middle aged women hand crafted paintings, Cornish pasty cafes, “ethnic” sculptures and glass fixtures boutiques, this is your place. Now before I get AGE UK on my back for using the middle aged or “older” references, let me just state I am a man in his early 30s, things that attract people of  certain ages/class are referenced for their conations of what other perceive of them. For example a lady in her 40-50s will say to me:

“Ooohh Marvin look at this lovely terracotta serving jug I got from Chile, isn’t it divine” my response will be “ooohh that’s nice, lady…. So where’s the chocolate hobnobs and Nintendo Wii U?” the lady would then say to me “Oh you fool games are for kids, this is sophisticated art right here, dear!” I in turn would then paw her terracotta jog to the floor like a cat and nick her biscuits

I thought I put this out there as everyone is easily offended but can easily see the truth and humour (Note from Audience – It’s not funny, you just broke an old bird’s jug and nicked her biscuits, good day to you sir, I’m off to look at old clips of Knightmare)

The town is itself is small but you won’t really need to spend more than 3-4 days here, there’s very few attractions here, such as Tate St Ives (http://www.tate.org.uk/visit/tate-st-ives), unfortunately it was closed until late March 2016 so missed that, but it’d the Tate there’s always something in there to make you laugh, think and get inspiration from. Plus the main attraction of the area, sandy beaches! Yes reader Sandy beaches in the UK, correction blissful sandy beaches, with clear tropical clear-green sea and Cornish ice cream a stone throw away. St Ives is called the British answer to the French Riviera, actually it better than that as its closer and there’s Cornish ice cream and cream tea. And Britain needs your money not France! (so much for European travel enthusiast)

A wee note, for the black people who read this, yes there’s not many of “us” down there but read the Australian blog, you’ll be fine here. Actually they are so friendly down here a young lady in her car rolled own her window and yelled “you can lick my lollipop anytime” so people are friendly. Come to think of it sticking out like a Walnut whip amongst the snow has its advantages, when I was window shopping the fudge, a woman who looked like Julie Walters in a grey version of Alan Davies perm wig clocked me, I might have to reference my Thailand blog where only crazy people or women who read woman’s weekly are attracted to me. Before I know it I’m engaged in what can be described as an awesomely terrible set up

Elderly Julie Davies “do you know where I’m going?”

Me “no sorry, where did you want to go?”

EJD “No I can never think of where I’m going”

(Andy comes over after eyeing up a beefy Cornish Pasty)

Andy “what were you looking for the post office? There isn’t much along this way” (he’s so cutting)

EJD is then grabbed by a local lady

Lady “she’s with me, you know where you are going ****** (I missed her name here)”

Local lady walks off, me and Andy look at her and decide to move on, and I get grabbed by EJD #awkward

EJD “Before you go, you need to hear this”

Andy “ Oh really we do?”

Me “Go on then”

EJD “Why was the ant confused?”

Audience hold onto your sides cos’ you’re gonna get a  hernia

EJD “ Because all his uncles were a(u)nts”

(insert pity laugh and eye rolling here)

See if my gormless chocolate face wasn’t there to attract Germaine greer’s crazy cousin you wouldn’t have gotten that nugget of comedy gold would ya?

So after you’ve gone for dip in  the water and headed around the shops come the second best thing about this place, the food and drink. Now bear in mind we are in England and the south may I add so whatever cost you were paying add another £2 on top and you have your prices here but they give you good portions, you need them to get your Rugby/butch lesbo legs. I can only recommend a few places, (http://thetearoomstives.co.uk) for Cream Tea, Pub grub (http://www.staustellbrewery.co.uk/pub/st-ives/lifeboat-inn#_=_) and comfort food at the Golden Lion on Market Place, you really can’t miss it, first Sunday roast I’ve had in this country where there’s actually MEAT none of this Weatherspoon’s wafer thin slices shit.

Slight warning for those who like to drink there is a 7% cider here that tastes like toffee apple, you will have a mini headache and diabetes after a few of these, but it’s worth it. Also it seems to make me say the word “poo” with an extra “oh” at the end like some weird inflection that Made Andy laugh for 10 mins. #drunklaughs

Castle Andrew

Check-list....

  • Town CHECK
  • Shopping and old people jokes CHECK
  • Food CHECK
  • Surprising beach conditions CHECK
  • Culture CHECK
  • Breakfast Drama CHECK
  • Several unnecessary “pre-warnings” CHECK
  • Ridiculous old lady joke CHECK

Hotel …. Wait a min I almost forgot something, the rest of the hotel, well since we went during off peak it’s was fairly cheap and quiet but breakfast is included and it’d a proper old school 3 star English hotel with those luggage rack that the muppets ride on. The receptionist even asked if we wanted a free paper, umm no thanks, I have a tablet and 5 day old Yahoo news, I think I’m good for now luv!

With the hotel you also get a breakfast included and let’s just say it’s an experience, when you first arrive you are greeted by your usual perky teenager or greasy older butler type. Now in the normal world you sign in with the door bitch, sit down and tuck in, at Tregenna prepare for the militant confusing process: you sign in, someone sits you in a place that no one wants to sit, despite there being 20 other free tables or placed on a table where someone else is already sat. We lucky got to experience both awkward placings. Then you Eat but on what feels like borrowed time

Our first sitting we had, we had the couple next to us get up and leave and they said the typical line,
“we are not going cos of you”, oh where you going? Don’t like Yorkshire men, RACIST!!

After one trip to buffet, we tuck into our breakfast and the service is just as awkward, I’m halfway through my breakfast, then I get an itch in my ear, the waitress comes over and says “are you finished?” now before I could finish itching and chewing (I sound REALLY old now) she reaches for my plate. I leave the itch and stop the waitress!! Believe you don’t want a hungry angry black yelling “I want my half sausage…. And eggs and beans back!”

And since I can never go anywhere without some mini drama, I had an encounter with the “TOAST GUARD” (copyright Andy inc), I put in 4 pieces of bread into the toast conveyer belt, I go get my cooked breakfast and come back to a woman armed with tongs! She manages to block me from the toast and we end up having a little “argy bargy” as she’s waiting for her toast to come through but she just put hers in. I collect andy’s toast and she tells me off and I explain the toast is for us, she’s clearly nuts as she JUST PUT hers in, silly cow! She evens tried picking up our toast with her tongs! #firstworldproblems #toastwars

Myself and Andy have had a turbulent time, not due to the relationship full of sin and biscuits but because we have had to stay in a smaller than double bed with support slacks missing. So when we laid on this hotel bed it was like a bed made of dreams, hopes and love. You could put all the world leaders on here and we’ve had world peace by now. Actually the bed was so nice and soft that me and Andy stuffed our FREE breakfast down just so we could run back upstairs to lay in the bed and watch homes under the hammer. I know it sounds sad, we sound old and sad but I don’t care, this bed is a miracle. 

Before we leave this place I have another warning about this place, just don’t drive in the centre AT ALL, you will thank me for it. There’s a train station that ends up in the centre and on the beach, that’ all you need (plus a jeep and chunky legs)

 

Don’t go…… there’s more.

We even had a mini trip to Polzeath, only advice to go here if you want to surf, stretch your legs or have over priced fish and chips. Get your fun and shopping done in St Ives

Now you may go….. or look through the rest of the site, its’ your choice, I’m off to look at old clips of Knightmare…..GOOD NIGHT!!

in the "sub-tropical walled garden" exotic as its is literal