Grand Place, you can get married in one of the halls, and go on the balcony and pretend you're a royal...if you have money like a royal!

So Brussels….ummmm…. Weeeellllll!

Despite my sarcasm these girls made the trip worth it!!

Ok I’ll level with you audience, I liked Brussels but let’s just say it won’t be in my top 10, I went to Brussels 21st March, it’s now 21st April that I’ve bothered to write about this, if that’s not an indication of how I feel, I’m not sure what would be. If Brussels was a superhero movie it would be Iron Man 3, it’s all the same crap you’ve seen before, slightly redux and with pretty people in it.

 

Ryanair…..I know I know, if you read the last blog, I had a rant and said I would never use them again, HOWEVER I did book these tickets before I went to Nuremberg. I should have cancelled, as again, it was a late flight and I arrived at the furtherest airport, seriously I might as well flown to Luxembourg. To make matters worse, I sat next to a woman who insisted on breathing!!! Not just breathing but if she inhales any more I’d lose my eyebrows, give me a dreadlock wig, funky glasses and crocs and call me Whoopi.

 

So here’s the thing , I’m going through “Nuremberg  déjà vu”, I endured Ryanair and then did my next cardinal sin which was to book a limited check in time hotel. Well, I say limited but it was more like, be there by 11pm. Again Ryanair + Arriving at Brussels South Charleroi Airport+ iPhone that dies at crucial times = super late check in. 

You can book a shuttle from either airport under https://www.brussels-city-shuttle.com/en/busstops but I advise using train if departing/arriving at Brussels Int, its quick and easy, but more on this later……

 

The apartment I stayed at was half way across town in the Ixelles Area, which was like being in Chelsea but everyone ignores you because you have no money & can’t speak French (https://rentin.brussels) but a mere 30 mins walk from the main station however i needed to go to the head office to get the keys since its late checkin. Now let’s imagine this is an ideal world and everyone had common sense, would you position your head office:

  1. in the middle of town near your properties 
  2. 2 miles away from the town ….

 

 

That’s right DING DING, we position it in the outskirts of main town if you want to see the whole of Brussels while slightly jet-lagged in the dark, now’s your chance. And to make the whole thing a lot more creepy, the head office is basically a basement flat, with no furniture signage or ceiling......oh and the owner is a sleazy looking dude hunched over with jingling  keys, I’m waiting for him to say “cccchilldrreeennnn” or me waking and the last 3 distinguishable words I hear are “ lotion, basket & rub”

So expensive taxi ride here we come....

Well, hush my mouth, creepy weirdo I’ll let you off, when you rent out an apartment like this (insert pic) who could be mad. Or maybe I’m too tired to be mad, it’s 2am!!!!

that table was wonky when I got here!!!

Mini Confession

Rub this lady for luck off the grand place....don't rub her boobies, that's rude

Readers I’m going to apologise but this was actually a mini break that was disguised as a business trip disguised as an opportunity to write more blog but I had to actually go to work. 

So 2 days of this is me eating croissants, meeting people I wanted to throttle /hug and drinking a super strong beer bored in an empty apartment.....Aannnndddyyyyy, where are you?!!!

So Friday afternoon rolls around, I throw my laptop on the bin and away I go, I walk around the main centre and if you want waffles, fries and long streets with the same old shops this is your city. I can’t hide it’s literally been a month since I’ve decided to write this blog, it was that uneventful no Andy, no fun, no point . I was even meant to go round the bars but no, my stomach has had enough dodgy meat and undercooked croissants, stomachache please proceed! Seriously, 10 mins  in a bar. BOOM, Poo bomb and a swift embarrassed exit as I gas the bar. #supersexy

 

I’m only here till Saturday, what can I do.....Let's go round the town and hunt for mussels, fries and something to interest me until my flight is ready.

 

Mussels in Manneken pis area, DONE, fries and a beer in the grand place , DONE, Something interesting.......uuuummmmm

Oh my lord, everything is super expensive  and every person I try to say something french they insist on making me speak English or patronise me for pronunciation! Anyone who is a brit reading this, go to France or Belgium and you try the language stop them before they criticise and then say the most Cockney sentence and make then say that and interrupt during every syllable  saying “oh no that’s not correct” Belgium this is why we voted for Brexit , it’s not the stupid laws, high immigration or conservatives fooled it’s because we know we won’t need to bother with this stupid language drama!

 

Oh wait a min, what’s this???? THE COMIC MUSEUM,(https://www.comicscenter.net/en/home)  The home of Tintin, smurfs  and asterix  , well slap me on the ass and call me grandma ! I take everything back I said about Brussels, this is the best city ever. What I need to pay 8 euros to get in ..... I take back what I just said, back to mediocrity!

Ah the station, my mission is to get in and out, I hope several people don’t come up to me asking different questions in different languages, while I’m trying to buy a ticket.... MISSION FAILED   

I don’t know what it is but apparently my face just screams “ask me a question in ANY language” several people have asked for directions, places to eat, weed and more directions! Even had a man asked me to go to Paris with him as he thought I was a local and I can show him around!!! so me squinting from sunlight glare and stretching my back gives me the French man posture

I am Marvin “Tourist Information” Lowe

 

ummm it's not racist if it's made before 1960s

Short Interlude

Diabetics beware

*Marvin from 2011, jumps into the scene* WOOO WOOOOAAHHHH, you can't just end the blog like that!!

 

“Oh my god, what you doing here? Why do I insist on writing you characters in when I just want to go eat a biscuit and play Splatoon?!?”

 

“Hey you old bitch, you know you owe it to your fans to give them the most honest 360 review of where ever you go, even if you’ve been to that place before, hhmmm?”

 

“Don’t you passive aggressivel hhmmm me, Mister!”

“AAHHHH SHHHUUUTTTT UP! Anyway readers just because today’s Marv is a bit tired looking and dead inside, seriously dude sort out that beer gut and grey hair patch, you’re a WRECK! You can still have fun in Brussels, I came here in 2011 with my mate Scott, who had been so nice to me after my break up with “who cannot be mentioned here” I decided to treat him. BBBUUUTTT admittedly, I didn’t do my homework like old man dark winter here, I just booked the cheapest and prettiest place and it turned out to be in the red light district and you saw a whore stumble into an old ford escort within 4 mins of being there. I can’t remember the name of the hotel but just look at any hotel that looks like a fancy brothel in the 1000 postcode and we probably stayed there! When you book a place, use google maps and see the name of shops nearby to gauge the neighbourhood, best tip ever”

“Jeez I remember that, we remarked on how clean her knickers were!”

“Do you also remember you had a lot of fun heading to the Atomium (http://atomium.be)"

“How are you adding hyperlinks in your speech?”

“Shush not now I’m talking, here’s some keys go play with those”

“Oh Shiny!!”

“Anyhoo, The Atomium is a cool place, it’s an artistsy photographer’s wet dream, so much abstract art, and angler architecture and you get to nerd out with all the history & art of the country. There’s also a mini theme park nearby I think it’s for kids but after 3 11% beers you won’t care. 

Plus that’s where Scott took that picture of you where you look like a slightly demented Idris Elba which you use as your instagram profile pic cos you think you still look hot but in reality you need to hibernate. Also you had an epic night, please note I'm from 2011 so the word epic wasn’t a thing, I used it first! 

And you went round the tourist area near grand place, and you had that “it’s not strong but totally is” Kiwi & Strawberry beer and took Scott to that restaurant where the meal came to £90 and you felt bad so had to fork out as you didn’t listen to Scott’s caution about there being no price on the menu, again best tip, no price, no entrance when it comes to eateries….. oooohhh and the chocolate factory, go there!!”

 

“Oh crap I forgot about all that, aww I miss Scott, I should call him to see how he is”

“I wouldn’t, your breath smells”

“I’ll be calling him on the phone, muppet”

“No your breath is that bad, I’m surprised the phone won’t melt”

“GET OUT”

“OOOOOOOO, someone dropped their sausage in the campfire”

 

 

 

Anyway faithful readers, I’ll close ON this, if you are on a business trip you can stay anywhere there’s the best tram and underground system to grace any european city for pretty much every main street and things are expensive, bring a credit card or remortgage! But take a friend and a sense of adventure to really enjoy it, remember Burges and Antwerp are a short train ride away, they are more colourful, friendly and the Burges chocolate factory is excellent. Main tip for brussels just head to the Grand Place and go down the 8 off routes and make your own journey 

 

Bye xxx

 

Les Galeries Royales Saint-Hubert - Come for Chocolates, Toys and Fancy glass roofing