Lick District - The Hottest Lesbian Bar in a Wet Place!!
Right people, I can no longer do this blog as I’m now upper class as i’ve been to the Lake District and once you’ve tasted upper crust you want the rest of the loaf. And posh people don’t blog, they spend money, make sex tapes and ramble in countrysides, Goodbye!
NAH, I wouldn't d you like that, I’m far too common and too much in love with writing and travel, so you got me for a while…..until my next trip to the Lake District and I fully transform into Carlton Banks.
Well I’m officially a year older and wiser, I had my birthday on the 16th June and since I’m not 24 and falling out of pubs, I’m now 34 and falling over logs and my own feet during rambles. Before all the shenanigans we have to celebrate and how else does a 30 something black nerd start celebrating, then with a Nintendo Switch swapped Cake made from a loving man and Aldi Rip-off Baileys woo hoo! For years I’ve always wanted to go to Lake District, I still to this day have no reason why, I just wanted to, I’m from a large town/city wannabe and there’s something about open fresh green woodlands and lake that intrigues me but only for 3-4 days’ worth after that my overwhelming thirst is quenched and I can go back to the land of cocktails, gloom and traffic lights. There is something relaxing about driving from city to country, watching the trees and lakes coming in the horizon, especially if you’re in the passenger seat checking Facebook (Sorry Andy but it’s my birthday *jingles car keys in front of Andy*)
For our trip we booked at Lodge in the Vale (http://www.lakedistrictinns.co.uk) and I highly recommend this place if you’re a cyclist or experienced hiker as you’ll be a good 5 miles from the 2 nearest town, Keswick and Kendal (one more K town and this place is officially racist). and if you are a cyclist/hiker I can seriously imagine you enjoying this place, just lift up your ill-fitting cycling shorts, hoist up your backpack that has more compartments then your car and breath in that fresh air. There’s a lovely girl in the cafe area who is so slight I’m sure she’s only eating the fruit from the fruit and fire cereal, please hand her a veggie burger if you go. Although I will say there are a couple of down points to this B&B hotel:
- It’s near a main road so not ideal for people with Children or anyone of a nervous disposition as you will encounter country driver where cameras and police don’t exist so 50MPH means 76MPH up here
- The floors (and everything else) creaks, so you will feel instantly guilty if you come in late, just be glad there’s no woman on the front desk called Madge with a large bust and frilly peach blouse who wanted to rekindle her love for silence during her library managerial years, that also means no dirty weekend, if you have one here then everyone else is in on your weekend as well…. prepare the bowl and keys!
- From you trying to be silent, the ladies on reception will give you the silent treatment, they weren’t very friendly and barely spoke and I’m the countryside not East London, I expected different.
- Breakfast this is a bit on the stripped bare side, so no cooked breakfast (that’s a British sin for you non -Brit travellers) but again if you came here intending on staying fastened into your cycling shorts, you won’t be having a cooked breakfast, just Yoghurt, Museli, pride and a good work ethic will do for the day!
- The Wifi is not very strong unless you are in the communal areas but its free and you’re there for the views, not for youtube…. you might be after 11pm if you’re tired
So let’s head over to Keswick, grab your boots, sensible coat and walking stick, we’re going out, Darlin’. Now let me be honest, if you don’t own a dog or have the second (well third after cat) best option, a child, you’re gonna look weird, you can’t walk more than 5m without someone on all fours panting or on a leash. If you want, there’s a dog and cat shelter on the way just take one for your trip and drop it back on your home for a refund (CAUTION WARNING, that was a joke, cats and dogs are for life, not just for an upper crust getaway). The town is small but pleasant and there’s good places for shopping, eating, drinking and parking. Note for drivers there’s a long road where you see a shopping centre called Booths, park there t’s free and only 5 mins walk form the town and lake(well most places are 5 mins form the town to be fair).
Our first day was great as we got 1 of 4 days that was actually warm in this area, if it’s in England and it’s near a large body of water doesn’t expect the sun all the time, remember the UK is in a big body of water…. There’s a bit to do here. you can check out the Puzzling Place (http://www.puzzlingplace.co.uk/#1), there’s a pencil museum nearby (https://www.derwentart.com/en/gb/7523/derwent-pencil-museum) we didn’t see this as we didn’t want to over excite ourselves,, oooooohhhhh Pencils.
Basically, If you liked the New Zealand and Canada entries and what they had to offer, this place was the same as well, if it’s outdoors, it’s available here, there’s GO APE adventure parkexcept on a smaller scale and no hunky Kiwis or Canadians but if you want to see where all the old GAP and Laura Ashley stock has gone and, you’ll see it on everyone here.
There’s pubs a plenty here too, I’m not sure who is brewing them but try everything here and the staff are friendly and you can get taster if you want them, i can’t really recommend anywhere in particular so I’ll give the best student advice, do a pub crawl. Take a deep breath, hold my hand, I’m going to take you back into time, way back. After the pub crawl you need to hop in my time machine, we are going to a 104 year old cinema, which refuses to make itself young, the Betty White of cinemas. http://www.keswick-alhambra.co.uk is what all modern cinema need to aspire to, the tickets were £7 each, less if you didn’t go on the balcony, all refreshments were less than £2 and (hold your breath), you got FREE tea of coffee, that came with cup and saucer, British People Rejoice!!! I’m pretty sure this cinema hasn’t left it’s hayday-era, so much that I thought I wasn’t allowed in the first few rows. Seriously can you imagine the joy of our faces, and we went to see Snatched with Amy Schumer and my cup will clinking with each laugh, if you saw a scary movie you would have the hot beverage answer to Jurassic Park in your hands, SHUSH!
Day 2 - Distillery
That was Day 1, Day 2 was clearly going to be a madhouse… A MADHOUSE!! again no we’re amongst the Gold Credit Card holders, so anything that involves OTT excitement and sexual tension can be put on hold, so pinkies out, noses up….. we’re off to the Lake Distillery (https://www.lakesdistillery.com)
I got these tickets from Groupon and seems to be a long running offer, you can get 2 for 1 on a tour, meal or tour/meal (oohh the options). I would recommend this tour if you’re a keen drinker of Whiskey, Gin and Vodka as you get taster for all 3 and if you’re like me you want to know how things work or are made, I used to get those “How does your body work” books, fascinating! At the distillery you’ll be guided round by a quirky yet professional host, we had the potential of having the boy who hair defied logic and gravity, the old lady who looked like if she had the superpower if she smiled the world would end, so she spared us our demise or the perky sexually ambiguous chick, thankfully we got the latter. It was interesting but your smell senses will take a bit of a battering as you’ll get to smell burning sugar that smells like cheese and then glimpses of sweet, so bizarre!
NOTE - if you are a harden alcoholic, make sure you take someone who is going to be designated driver as you need a car to get here, so you pay for 2 tours, might as well double up on the tasters too. CHEERS! (Again sorry Andy - insert hiccup sound here)
One Thing I forgot to mention was Keswick town itself, it’s very “English”, like everything is Tudor or Stewart and quite expensive, it’s has a homely feel to the place and easy to get round, there’s even a market on during the day and if you go with Andy you will need to hustle him along as he’ll be engrossed by a toy that stands and falls by itself, seriously the man can’t let it go!
I beg anyone that reads this and wants to visit to Mrs F’s Fine Food Emporium, (https://www.facebook.com/Mrs-Fs-Fine-Food-Emporium-762773977115328/ ), if you like cake, knitting and roaring 1920’s flapper jazz, you’ll fir right in, may remind you of Linda La Hughes “Are you a fan of … SCAT?” (high five to anyone that gets that reference).
There’s also a boat service for the lake known as Derwentwater, it’s £11 for a 50 min round trip and its a tranquil and restful ride but you can get off and do some of the walks that are available at different points, you can go to the top of the mountains and look down on the wimps who didn’t brave the saunter that day. Now I know I shouldn’t take the mick but every trip I seem to go on lately there’s always a lady who has the most magical and indescribable hair in view, today’s lady, was this one, the caramel coffee barnet. I know but she doesn’t beat the lady from Bulgaria, the one whose hair was the same as the fleece hat she was wearing, she’s still the Queen.
While you are there you need to spot these people in the town as no matter where you go in a tourist area you will spot them:
- The Stressed family, where the husband is leading the wife and kids in the wrong direction and the wife is getting irate at the kid who had too much sugar and the husband who is glued to is map/phone
- The Japanese/Chinese/Korean tourists who take pictures of everything, i know it sounds racist but it’s actually true, only difference is the Japanese are more like to the peace sign and jump if its a famous sight (I want to know if that’s what the border control in Japan say to the leavers and say”You must jump and squeal wherever you go otherwise we only have Toyota and Pokemon left to our name, WE ARE A FUN NATION, NOW GO!!”)
- The expressive American Couple/Family - on our trip we had to them visit the local Gelato place and they were like (say this is a Phoebe voice): “Oh that GELATO place, it’s awesome, I had banana yesterday, what did you want Honey?” “Oh Greg, that banana was nice, I had toffee yesterday but I’ll have it again” “Oh Honey you are crazy” “ I know right” “you gonna have banana again?” “ I sure am, maybe I should have something different” “ Oh dear but you like banana” “I know right, Should I mix the flavours?” OH DEAR GOD, Just live wildly for once, get a banoffee ice cream, lick both sides, kiss and move on, I’m sure even now they are at that Gelato place praising the ice cream like Wonder Woman and missed their flight to Maine
- The mandatory gay couple and lesbian tourist couple who see each other but don’t want to acknowledge there are other gays/lesbians as they wanted to feel awkwardly special “we’re the temporary gays in this village” for that one week (yes that was us Andy and those lezzas in the pub down the road)
- The British Woman with the M&S Scarf but pretends it’s from Harrods, who seems to be louder and posher than the local but you can imagine her driving a Nissan Micra when no one is around.
There’s loads more to talk about but I found out a few weeks ago when booking that I’m only 2 hours away from the place so I’ll do more blog and more activate, this was just the taster.
So Cheery Bye, Pip Pip and all that Jazz :0) x <- that's not a kiss it's a bowtie!!